Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat? by a bestselling mother and daughter duo, Lisa Scottoline & Francesca Serritella, sounds off on everything you can imagine, and it had me hooting with laughter in minutes. I had read novels in Lisa Scottoline’s bestselling Rosato & DiNunzio mystery/thriller series. I had also heard her speak at a book festival, so I knew she had a fun sense of humor. This collection of essays shows that her daughter inherited that trait along with some mad writing skills. If you’re a woman looking for a book to take along on vacation that can be read in snippets as you have time, and one that will tickle your funny bone, this just might be the one you’re looking for.
Below I’ve listed by author all of the essays in the book, with a few snippets to entice you. No matter your generation, there’s something in here for you. I laughed just as much at the essays not about my generation as I did about the ones relevant to my current life phase. FYI: They do not appear in this order in the book and are, instead, interspersed with each other to create better content flow.
These essays are funny, touching, sometimes serious and sometimes sad but all contain an Erma Bombeck way of looking at the world which makes them a delight to read. Have I ever mentioned that I used to want to be Erma Bombeck? Except for the housewife part, that is. Sssh, don’t tell anybody…
Essays by Lisa:
Introduction: “People go to the beach for lots of reason; namely, the sand, the sun, and the water. I go for the food. You might think there’s no food at the beach, but if there’s no food at your beach, come to mine.”
For Your Information
We Have a Winner
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be a Pain in the Ass: “So we have First World problems. We never said we had Worst World problems. They’re still problems, to us. And if we can’t talk about First World problems, I might never utter another word. Also, I wouldn’t have anything to write about.”
Old and New: “It’s the New Year, and they say, ‘Out with the Old, and in with the New.’ But I disagree. I don’t think we have to get rid of the Old to bring in the New. You’ll disagree, too. If you’re Old.”
Mother Mary Gets Religion: “I’m worried about Mother Mary. Because she found religion. In a manner of speaking, anyway. We begin when Brother Frank tells me that he’ll call me on Sunday, ‘after church.’ I don’t understand. No Scottoline has gone to church in centuries, least of all my mother…”
Fight the Power
The Truth Tastes Delicious
Dr. Mother Mary
I’m What’s Cooking: “This is about food. Because I’m on a diet. Since I can’t have food, it’s all I think about.”
Fear of Flying
Mother Mary and Frank Sinatra
Rollin’ On: “The great thing about friends is that sometimes they realize what you need even before you do.”
We Knew You Wouldn’t Amount to Anything
Credit Where Credit Is Due
Hissy Fit Bit
My TV Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student: “I recently converted to a smart phone, only to find out that I needed a smart TV. D’oh!”
Going, Going, Gonzo
In Search of Selfie
This Is Your Dog on Drugs
An App A Day
I’m Spending My Granddog’s Inheritance: “I’m babysitting my granddog. Yes, you read that right. I don’t have any grandchildren, but I have a granddog, a little boy aged five, and he looks just like me. Our noses are identical. They’re large and they leak.”
In It To Win It: “I have a new financial plan. I’m playing the lottery.”
It’s a Miracle!
I Want What I Want: “A fun thing about being single is that you can reverse man-shop. By which I mean, until I find a man I want to be with, I like to pick out men I don’t want to be with. I call it the Better Off Dead Game, but it could just as easily be called the Better Off Celibate Game.”
The Good Wife or The Dumb Wife
Keeping Abreast: “I saw in the newspaper that some genius conducted a study on what constitutes the perfect female breast. Oh, good.”
You’re Just Some Appliance That I Used to Know
Women’s Rights and Wrongs
The Second Greatest Generation
Does This Beach Make Me Look Old?
Essays by Francesca:
I’m Not My Type: “I have a terrible personality. According to Myers-Briggs…She sent me an extended profile of my type…I felt like a rare gem, a diamond. Until I read the rest of the description.”
Back to School
City Mouse, Country Cat: “Using the flashlight on my iPhone camera, I shine a light behind every door, around every corner. I flatten myself on the ground and squeeze myself under the couch, fumbling to bring the flashlight app back up for one excruciating moment, and when it finally comes on…The mouse is right in front of my face. Don’t believe me? I took a picture.”
The Real Me: “This year, many women decided to become a whole new person. Me. I was the victim of ‘high-level identity theft.’”
Better for Worse
Still Here, Kitty?: “…by the time I arrived with my feline assassin, the mouse had already succumbed to the square of Hershey’s I had set upon a wooden trap. Death by chocolate. So now I have a cat and no mice. But you’re already one step ahead of me, aren’t you?”
Love Without Rough Edges
Who Needs It?
Hardball at the Gym: “After my breakup, I recommitted myself to fitness. I had a case of long-term-relationship body, a ‘my best angle is your love’ situation, and I needed to get back to ‘howdy, stranger.’”
Guilt Tripping at 65 MPH: “My mom trusts me to co-author a series of books, but she doesn’t trust me to drive. And she might be right.”
Can You Keep a Secret?
Here’s a Howdy Do
Working Out on Mount Olympus: “This summer, I’ve gone to the gym six days a week, sometimes seven. What’s my secret to staying motivated? Hot fitness instructors. I’m seeing several. I’m monogamous in romance but promiscuous with group fitness classes.”
Rite of Train Passage
Life Among the Ruins: “I would never let a man ruin my life. But they sure can ruin my favorite places.”
The Mutual Fade Out
If I Were Beyonce: “Beyonce is the spiritual leader of our time. She’s like Oprah if Oprah could twerk.”
Hot or Not at the Gym
Carbs of Peace
I loved this book so much. These ladies let it all hang out and say what we’ve all thought at one time or another. Booyah! I had a blast reading them and can’t wait to read more. If you like Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?, you’ll quickly discover like I did that it’s just the latest in a line-up of tell-it-like-it-is collections by this duo. I can’t wait to read the rest of them!
Can’t wait to read it?
Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat will be published on July 7, 2015 but it’s available now for pre-order in all formats from your favorite online bookseller. If you pre-order the e-book, it will be delivered instantly as soon as it’s published. Whoot!
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